Unanswered questions answered (III)

 — What is the single most disgusting combination of two words ?

 — "Spider sushi".

Unanswered questions answered (II)

 — Did God create the world ?

 — No, He just found it out there.

Unanswered questions answered (I)

 — Is there life after death ?

 — Yes, but it's very short.

The boy-meets-girl scene as seen through the eyes of an idiot

On "A fairly good impersonator"

 Several readers have complained about the previous joke "not being that funny". I'll simply remind them that I specifically mentioned that Edgar's impersonating skills "...would lead to all sorts of hilarious situations". Should I have added an exclamation mark ?

A fairly good impersonator

 As he struggled with puberty, Edgar found out, quite accidentally, that he had been gifted with a unique talent : he could impersonate absolutely anybody's voice. By the time he turned 14, he had us all fooled : whenever the phone rang, we could never be sure that the caller was the actual person we'd been expecting a call from (let's say, the Czar)... or just Edgar, pulling yet another practical joke on us. As you may well imagine, this would lead to all sorts of hilarious situations.

The timeless art of seduction

 Derek walked into one of those old-fashioned, turn-of-the-century barbershops, with the colourful twisting thingy, the nice after-shave smell, the harmless insignificant chatter, the mints in the fish bowl — the works.

 Barber (cordially) — Good day, sir ! And what can I do for you today ?

 Derek (sweating profusely, clears his throat) — I was looking for a tobacconist's.

 ...And the barber gave him directions. Derek nodded politely, and off he went. Later that day, however, he came back. (You may want to imagine the sound of the little bell attached to the door as he walks in.)

 Barber (cordially) — Good day, sir ! And what can I do for you today ?

 Derek (still agitated) — I was looking for a flower shop.

 ...And the barber gave him directions, and so on. Later that day, however, Derek came back. (Bear in mind that, whenever he speaks, every sentence must end as if it were a question.)

 Barber (cordially) — Good day, sir ! And what can I do for you today ?

 Derek (with more self-confidence) — I was looking for the wax museum.

 Barber (understandingly) — Well... I'm certainly glad to help out, but, frankly, I don't know why you keep coming in here to ask for directions.

 Derek (with his eyes downcast) — Oh... I see.

 And he left. The joke is hilarious as it is, but hold your laugh until you hear the punchline ! You see, the barber should have been less enterprising. Should he have reacted with more patience — what we Europeans call finesse —, he would have found Derek to be the most charming individual and the most reliable of friends. In fact, Derek wanted the most expensive haircut, but he was too shy to admit it in a straightforward manner ! Instead, the barber's intimidating ways put him off and scared him away — for good.

 But what's even funnier, if you think about it (and now I'm just speculating), is that Derek probably thought that, since the man owned an old-fashioned barbershop, it was only natural that he would also go by the old-fashioned laws of seduction and therefore be a little more tactful than he proved to be. What a silly conclusion to draw !

An apparently silly joke

 Valentine's day was approaching. Gregory woke up one fine morning and found out he had hands for feet and feet for hands. Also, he had suddenly become a conservative, but that's a whole other story.

Ways to make money besides borrowing it, getting a remunerated job, selling your stuff or slowly duping yourself into believing you are rich

 Saint Paul wrote in his epistle to the Romans : "What are we saying ? That Law is sin ? Perish the thought ! But I did not know about sin, except through the Law. For I would not have known covetousness if the Law had not said : You shall not covet".

 This had probably something to do with an obscure episode of Paul's life. He was having a walk with his friend Martin, and at some point they walked past an old house.

 Martin (menacing) — Don't go in that house.

 Paul — Why ?

 Martin — I'm warning you. Just don't go in that house.

 Paul (with a sigh) — O.K. Let me stop you right there. First of all, I never said I was planning to go in that house. The thought never even crossed my mind in the first place. As a matter of fact, I had never as much as noticed the house before you told me about it. They might as well tear it down this instant, for all I care.

 Martin (sententious) — You are stubborn, aren't you ! At least you can't say I didn't warn you.

 You may imagine the rest.

Reminiscing about Saigon

 I've never been to Saigon. I barely know anything about Saigon. I'm not even remotely interested in Saigon for that matter. And yet... not a single day passes by that I don't find myself thinking about the vast rice fields on the banks of the Saigon River.

Living in denial

 Whenever he felt overpowered by real life, Martin would go to a corner of the room, lie down in foetal position with his eyes closed and pretend nothing could reach him. For instance :

 Police agent — I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your whole family just died in sordid circumstances.

 Martin — Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! You're not fooling me ! There's no such thing as "dying" or "family" !

 Martin's girlfriend — Stop it, Martin ! You're making a fool out of yourself.

 Martin — Go away. You're but a figment of my imagination, the shadow of a passer-by.

 Martin's girlfriend — Then why bother answering me ?

 Martin — I'm just reciting the lines of my part. We all are.

 Martin's girlfriend — But do you feel my fist in your mouth ?

 Martin — I do perceive the idea of pain at the periphery of my consciousness, but it has nothing to do with me.

 Martin's girlfriend — A-ha ! I never used the word "pain" — you did ! So you do feel the pain after all !

 Martin (in a conciliatory tone) — You got me ! From now on I'll be a more mature person. I won't dodge life's blows anymore. I know now reality is to be taken seriously.

On that summer (A story of multicultural romance)

 Have you ever heard of language exchange ? Milo and Axelina had come up with their own learning method : Milo would point at something and start a sentence to describe it (for instance, That disgusting old man over there is wearing...), and Axelina would complete it by adding the missing word (...a gray flannel suit). This would invariably throw the very demonstrative Milo into a state of overjoy involving all sorts of incoordinate movements, a state disturbingly close to dementia.

 But yet another feeling was about to strike our two polyglots on that summer, a feeling ten times more powerful than the mere joy of learning — I'm referring of course to love. One day they were having a walk in the park, and they started their usual routine :

 Milo — I am looking at...

 Axelina — ...a tree.

 Milo — No, that's not it.

 Axelina — A squirrel ? A bench ? The sunset ? A yogurt ?

 Milo — No, no. Wait ! What was that last word again ?

 Axelina — You mean "a yogurt" ?

 Milo (rubbing his hands together with an avid grin) — Why, I haven't eaten any for a long time... Yes, yes, let's do that...

Déjà vu

 Yet another astonishing case of déjà vu, as narrated by Professor Krafft-Ebing :

 Martin goes into a bar and notices this sad looking girl sitting alone. He decides to approach her, why not ?

 Martin — Why are you so sad ?

 X — I was remembering you.

Attempts to become a great man

 That day, Albert didn't feel like doing anything much anyway, so he decided to devote another evening to becoming a great man — a dream he had tirelessly pursued ever since he could remember. All of his previous attempts had failed, but he was persistent, or rather, as his friends liked to put it, an idiot. "I'd rather be dead than a nobody", he would joke with his wife. Little did he know that his destiny was both to die and be easily forgotten !

 By the time he died, however, he was at peace with himself. Despite the fact he hadn't achieved anything worthwhile in his entire life, there was no regret in his heart. "Maybe there was no place for me at the Pantheon of great men after all", he whispered to his wife as he lied on his bed, just before going to sleep for a last nap. "Yes, maybe it just wasn't meant to be", he added with a beatific smile.

 But then again... people tend to give up very easily.

Taking care of our elderly, or Capitalism is the way to go

 Listen to the story of Handsome Peter and Harold, two bright young men and the best of friends. Whenever they got together, they acted as if they had run into each other by accident. I suppose this helped them keep their relationship alive. Prevented them from getting too used to one another, I guess. This is the conversation they would invariably get into.

 H — Remember Jessica ? Cute readhead girl you were in love with in high school ?

 P — How could I ever forget her ! Sad, beautiful Jessica. You know of course she drowned in a wishing well, a couple of years ago.

 H — So I heard, yes.

 P — So ? What about her ?

 H — Well, she's back.

 P — What ?

 H — I ran into her the other day. She's back. Actually, she asked me about you. Told me to say "hi". Apparently, she'd like to see you again, grab a cup of coffee, whatever. I got her number.

 P — My God ! What is she... I mean, is she doing all right ?

 H — What do you think ? She's been dead for four years. Not a pretty death, either. Looks like some crabs nested in her nostrils or something. Breath smells like seaweed. Very disturbing. (With a facetious tone) Unless you're into fish, I mean.

 P (Annoyed) — Does she expect me to call her ?

 This could go on and on like this, but now that I've got you people where I wanted you, let me tell you simply this — capitalism is the way to go. In all seriousness. It is a whole new trend, and we're all very excited about it. So let us show to the world that we, young people, are politicised too — let us show that we care. Let us all mentally give a round of applause to capitalism, surely the coolest invention of our times !