Sophisticated Humour

Time is a precious item

2008-10-07T20:53:00.003+01:00

Andrew was in a coma for seventeen years. When he woke up, he figured it would take him too much time to catch up with his old friends, so he decided to make new ones.

Unanswered questions answered (III)

2008-04-22T13:16:00.003+01:00

— What is the single most disgusting combination of two words ?

— "Spider sushi".

Unanswered questions answered (II)

2008-04-22T13:15:00.002+01:00

— Did God create the world ?

— No, He just found it out there.

Unanswered questions answered (I)

2008-04-22T13:09:00.004+01:00

— Is there life after death ?

— Yes, but it's very short.

The boy-meets-girl scene as seen through the eyes of an idiot

2008-04-19T08:09:00.001+01:00

On "A fairly good impersonator"

2008-04-17T16:01:00.002+01:00

Several readers have complained about the previous joke "not being that funny". I'll simply remind them that I specifically mentioned that Edgar's impersonating skills "...would lead to all sorts of hilarious situations". Should I have added an exclamation mark ?

A fairly good impersonator

2008-04-17T12:33:00.003+01:00

As he struggled with puberty, Edgar found out, quite accidentally, that he had been gifted with a unique talent : he could impersonate absolutely anybody's voice. By the time he turned 14, he had us all fooled : whenever the phone rang, we could never be sure that the caller was the actual person we'd been expecting a call from (let's say, the Czar)... or just Edgar, pulling yet another practical joke on us. As you may well imagine, this would lead to all sorts of hilarious situations.

The timeless art of seduction

2008-04-15T18:14:00.009+01:00

Derek walked into one of those old-fashioned, turn-of-the-century barbershops, with the colourful twisting thingy, the nice after-shave smell, the harmless insignificant chatter, the mints in the fish bowl — the works.

Barber (cordially) — Good day, sir ! And what can I do for you today ?

Derek (sweating profusely, clears his throat) — I was looking for a tobacconist's.

...And the barber gave him directions. Derek nodded politely, and off he went. Later that day, however, he came back. (You may want to imagine the sound of the little bell attached to the door as he walks in.)

Barber (cordially) — Good day, sir ! And what can I do for you today ?

Derek (still agitated) — I was looking for a flower shop.

...And the barber gave him directions, and so on. Later that day, however, Derek came back. (Bear in mind that, whenever he speaks, every sentence must end as if it were a question.)

Barber (cordially) — Good day, sir ! And what can I do for you today ?

Derek (with more self-confidence) — I was looking for the wax museum.

Barber (understandingly) — Well... I'm certainly glad to help out, but, frankly, I don't know why you keep coming in here to ask for directions.

Derek (with his eyes downcast) — Oh... I see.

And he left. The joke is hilarious as it is, but hold your laugh until you hear the punchline ! You see, the barber should have been less enterprising. Should he have reacted with more patience — what we Europeans call finesse —, he would have found Derek to be the most charming individual and the most reliable of friends. In fact, Derek wanted the most expensive haircut, but he was too shy to admit it in a straightforward manner ! Instead, the barber's intimidating ways put him off and scared him away — for good.

But what's even funnier, if you think about it (and now I'm just speculating), is that Derek probably thought that, since the man owned an old-fashioned barbershop, it was only natural that he would also go by the old-fashioned laws of seduction and therefore be a little more tactful than he proved to be. What a silly conclusion to draw !

An apparently silly joke

2008-04-14T17:52:00.001+01:00

Valentine's day was approaching. Gregory woke up one fine morning and found out he had hands for feet and feet for hands. Also, he had suddenly become a conservative, but that's a whole other story.

Ways to make money besides borrowing it, getting a remunerated job, selling your stuff or slowly duping yourself into believing you are rich

2008-04-14T15:56:00.008+01:00

Saint Paul wrote in his epistle to the Romans : "What are we saying ? That Law is sin ? Perish the thought ! But I did not know about sin, except through the Law. For I would not have known covetousness if the Law had not said : You shall not covet".

This had probably something to do with an obscure episode of Paul's life. He was having a walk with his friend Martin, and at some point they walked past an old house.

Martin (menacing) — Don't go in that house.

Paul — Why ?

Martin — I'm warning you. Just don't go in that house.

Paul (with a sigh) — O.K. Let me stop you right there. First of all, I never said I was planning to go in that house. The thought never even crossed my mind in the first place. As a matter of fact, I had never as much as noticed the house before you told me about it. They might as well tear it down this instant, for all I care.

Martin (sententious) — You are stubborn, aren't you ! At least you can't say I didn't warn you.

You may imagine the rest.

Reminiscing about Saigon

2008-04-14T12:32:00.006+01:00

I've never been to Saigon. I barely know anything about Saigon. I'm not even remotely interested in Saigon for that matter. And yet... not a single day passes by that I don't find myself thinking about the vast rice fields on the banks of the Saigon River.

Living in denial

2008-04-14T12:10:00.007+01:00

Whenever he felt overpowered by real life, Martin would go to a corner of the room, lie down in foetal position with his eyes closed and pretend nothing could reach him. For instance :

Police agent — I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your whole family just died in sordid circumstances.

Martin — Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! You're not fooling me ! There's no such thing as "dying" or "family" !

Martin's girlfriend — Stop it, Martin ! You're making a fool out of yourself.

Martin — Go away. You're but a figment of my imagination, the shadow of a passer-by.

Martin's girlfriend — Then why bother answering me ?

Martin — I'm just reciting the lines of my part. We all are.

Martin's girlfriend — But do you feel my fist in your mouth ?

Martin — I do perceive the idea of pain at the periphery of my consciousness, but it has nothing to do with me.

Martin's girlfriend — A-ha ! I never used the word "pain" — you did ! So you do feel the pain after all !

Martin (in a conciliatory tone) — You got me ! From now on I'll be a more mature person. I won't dodge life's blows anymore. I know now reality is to be taken seriously.

On that summer (A story of multicultural romance)

2008-04-07T02:12:00.005+01:00

Have you ever heard of language exchange ? Milo and Axelina had come up with their own learning method : Milo would point at something and start a sentence to describe it (for instance, That disgusting old man over there is wearing...), and Axelina would complete it by adding the missing word (...a gray flannel suit). This would invariably throw the very demonstrative Milo into a state of overjoy involving all sorts of incoordinate movements, a state disturbingly close to dementia.

But yet another feeling was about to strike our two polyglots on that summer, a feeling ten times more powerful than the mere joy of learning — I'm referring of course to love. One day they were having a walk in the park, and they started their usual routine :

Milo — I am looking at...

Axelina — ...a tree.

Milo — No, that's not it.

Axelina — A squirrel ? A bench ? The sunset ? A yogurt ?

Milo — No, no. Wait ! What was that last word again ?

Axelina — You mean "a yogurt" ?

Milo (rubbing his hands together with an avid grin) — Why, I haven't eaten any for a long time... Yes, yes, let's do that...

Déjà vu

2008-04-06T18:30:00.005+01:00

Yet another astonishing case of déjà vu, as narrated by Professor Krafft-Ebing :

Martin goes into a bar and notices this sad looking girl sitting alone. He decides to approach her, why not ?

Martin — Why are you so sad ?

X — I was remembering you.

Attempts to become a great man

2008-04-06T17:54:00.006+01:00

That day, Albert didn't feel like doing anything much anyway, so he decided to devote another evening to becoming a great man — a dream he had tirelessly pursued ever since he could remember. All of his previous attempts had failed, but he was persistent, or rather, as his friends liked to put it, an idiot. "I'd rather be dead than a nobody", he would joke with his wife. Little did he know that his destiny was both to die and be easily forgotten !

By the time he died, however, he was at peace with himself. Despite the fact he hadn't achieved anything worthwhile in his entire life, there was no regret in his heart. "Maybe there was no place for me at the Pantheon of great men after all", he whispered to his wife as he lied on his bed, just before going to sleep for a last nap. "Yes, maybe it just wasn't meant to be", he added with a beatific smile.

But then again... people tend to give up very easily.

Taking care of our elderly, or Capitalism is the way to go

2008-04-01T14:39:00.005+01:00

Listen to the story of Handsome Peter and Harold, two bright young men and the best of friends. Whenever they got together, they acted as if they had run into each other by accident. I suppose this helped them keep their relationship alive. Prevented them from getting too used to one another, I guess. This is the conversation they would invariably get into.

H — Remember Jessica ? Cute readhead girl you were in love with in high school ?

P — How could I ever forget her ! Sad, beautiful Jessica. You know of course she drowned in a wishing well, a couple of years ago.

H — So I heard, yes.

P — So ? What about her ?

H — Well, she's back.

P — What ?

H — I ran into her the other day. She's back. Actually, she asked me about you. Told me to say "hi". Apparently, she'd like to see you again, grab a cup of coffee, whatever. I got her number.

P — My God ! What is she... I mean, is she doing all right ?

H — What do you think ? She's been dead for four years. Not a pretty death, either. Looks like some crabs nested in her nostrils or something. Breath smells like seaweed. Very disturbing. (With a facetious tone) Unless you're into fish, I mean.

P (Annoyed) — Does she expect me to call her ?

This could go on and on like this, but now that I've got you people where I wanted you, let me tell you simply this — capitalism is the way to go. In all seriousness. It is a whole new trend, and we're all very excited about it. So let us show to the world that we, young people, are politicised too — let us show that we care. Let us all mentally give a round of applause to capitalism, surely the coolest invention of our times !

Killed by popular demand

2008-03-29T20:42:00.009+01:00

More insights on the nature of funny, this time through the adventures of Edmond the Magician. Once a prosperous waiter, Edmond decided one day to become a magician and travel across the country, bringing joy to all in exchange of shelter. Once he asked a little girl :

Edmond the Magician — What's your favourite number, my child ?

Generic little girl (with a lisp) — Seven !

Edmond the Magician — Very well ! From now on your favourite number shall be six.

And thus did six become the kid's favourite number.

The person I'm stalking (A love song)

2008-03-29T20:01:00.005+01:00

Pain follows me wherever I go
Not such a good idea I guess
To walk barefoot on shattered glass
Pain follows me wherever I go
Also I left my purse at home
So I won't be buying those groceries
After all

("Da capo" three or four times; then take a quick break for a snack, and start all over again.)

Foot fetishism — an alternative lifestyle

2008-03-29T17:18:00.007+01:00

There had always been four of us — Marla, little Anthony, Dagmar and me. The three friends, as we were jokingly referred to. We usually hang out separately; we would set up a time, and each one of us would stay home and stare motionless at the wallpaper, while making funny observations we then shared through sms — a way of sending quick messages to friends through your cell phone, very popular at that time. Anyway, there was this time where Anthony had something important to tell us, and we decided to meet up in a bar. Here's the conversation that followed, as I recall it.

Anthony — Is this place safe ?

Dagmar — Relax, man ! You're among friends.

Anthony — OK. First of all, I don't need to tell you this must remain strictly confidential.

Me — Come on ! Who do you think you're talking to ?

Anthony — I'm sorry, guys, but I mean, if my parents ever hear about this, they will adopt me again, and —

Marla — Oh, please, Anthony ! We're all your friends, right ? There's nothing in the world you can't tell us.

Anthony — I know... and you can't imagine how much this means to me, guys.

Me — I mean, after all, what are friends for, right ?

Anthony — You said it, buddy !

Boy, did we all laugh like crazy ! Which comes to prove that friendship does manage to overcome all differences.

You're not funny anymore

2008-03-29T15:48:00.006+01:00

Here's a bunch of funny sentences. Any combination of these should automatically become a joke.

— No wonder he decided to commit suicide !

— In the name of God, someone stop that ferris wheel right now !

— What's for dinner ? (...) Not anchovies again !

— I found that truck driver extremely pretentious.

— Are you kidding ? I love asbestos.

— Shut up ! You don't know what it's like to be hemophiliac ! (to a hemophiliac person) (the latter is optional)

— All right ! Let's go to the hospital ! (in an enthusiastic fashion)

— Is there life after death ? (...) I was afraid of that. (with a disappointed tone)

— So you never learnt how to read ? You should be ashamed of yourself !

— Yes. (whenever uttered in a funny way)

— (blank) ? Is she the girl with the face thing ?

— Is there anything I should know about you before we start seeing each other ? Wait ! Tell me some other time.

— So how severe was her head injury ? (...) I see. I guess she won't be needing these books anymore ! (actually grabbing the books and taking them home is optional)

— Pamplemousses, vous ne nous avez pas encore livré tous vos secrets.

— What do you mean, "I should have this checked by a doctor" ? (unless the injury does look fishy, in which case the whole thing instantly ceases to be funny)

Crime or punishment

2008-03-29T14:36:00.003+01:00

— Is there anything I could ever do to make you forgive me ?

— Well... for starters, you could stop banging my head with that sledgehammer.

— But then there would be nothing left to forgive !

French for the learning disabled

2007-05-19T17:48:00.000+01:00

Translate the following sentences into your favourite language, then back into french.

1) Que puis-je faire?
2) Pourquoi a-t-il mangé cet abricot?
3) Que nous veut-il?
4) Pourquoi a-t-il laissé cela là-dedans?
5) S'agit-il de ce que je pense?
6) Comment auraient-ils pu faire un tel emprunt?
7) Est-elle au courant de son opération?
8) N'avait-elle pas promi de vomir?
9) Et si nous lui disions cela à ce sujet?
10) Suis-je bien chez Monsieur Gaston Perrier? - Non, vous vous êtes trompé(s).
11) Pourquoi pleure-t-il? Est-ce à cause de la mort d'un proche?
12) Est-il toujours aussi méchant avec les enfants?
13) Leur relation n'était-elle pas purement affective?
14) Ces élections eurent-elles bien lieu en août, Madame?
15) Pamplemousses, vous ne nous avez pas encore livré tous vos secrets.
16) Sirène.
17) Pâle, automne, boulangerie.
18) Quel est le but de tout cela?

Saying sorry won't buy me a new fishing rod (an experimental joke)

2007-05-18T20:57:00.003+01:00

Last night I had the most beautiful dream. I was peeling an avocado with my bare hands, but it kept saying sarcastically to me : "If you're going to eat an avocado, do it properly, will you ?" Suddenly I was elsewhere — I believe I was on a beach, but there was no sand or sea. Then I realized it was more like a bank, and all my fingers had become pencils. When I awoke, I was walking in the street — I must have fallen asleep on my way to the bakery.

A pointless reminder

2007-05-15T16:36:00.000+01:00

Don't forget there are more jokes avalaible at http://sophisticatedhumor.blogspot.com. They get funnier all the time!

Gunnar the Storyteller in : "I never can say goodbye"

2007-05-15T16:12:00.001+01:00

One day Gunnar the Storyteller went to the bakery.

Gunnar : Hola, ¿me pone dos barras de pan, por favor?

Baker : I beg your pardon?

Gunnar : Dos barras de pan, por favor.

Baker : I don't mean to pry, but why are you speaking in spanish?

Gunnar : Wait a minute, you mean this is spanish? But if that's so... which language was I speaking the other day in Johannesburg?

"Me on a postcard", or : "Running loose"

2007-05-15T16:05:00.000+01:00

A : All right, let's see... Let me have, er... some strawberries... two or three pears... an avocado... couple grapefruits... oh, and a kiwi, please.

B : How many times do I have to tell you? I don't sell fruit in here. I only sell wicker furniture.

A : Oh, do you? Then why do I see pineapples all over the place?

B : You see... in my line of work, a man gets to be lonely...

Three easy pieces

2007-04-10T20:10:00.000+01:00

A man walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a pint of beer. After chewing on the sandwich for a while, he angrily addresses the bartender :

- I want my money back. There's sand in my plankton sandwich.

(Actually, there wasn't any. I don't know why he said that.)

* *

The other day a man walked into a grocery store and went to the vegetable section. He saw some broccoli and instantly produced a revolver from his vest and shot several times at it. The clerk managed to overcome his fright and asked the man :

- Are you out of your mind? What the hell did you do that for?

- Sorry. I was aiming at the cabbage.

* *

Yet another man walks into a doctor's office.

- Are you a doctor?

- Yes, I am.

- Why do humans sleep?

(I suppose the man believed that doctors should have an answer to every question - that's why this joke is hilarious.)

Frank Sinatra in : "A bucket full of promises"

2007-03-15T18:33:00.000+01:00

One day I threw a party for all my oldest enemies. My intention was to prove them that I was doing fine, so they had no reason to despise me anymore. Quite surprisingly, most of them were able to make it to the party. Some people had previous engagements and sent an apology note with some chocolates or a bottle of wine (I am very allergic to both). Much to my disappointment, Eric - a guy who used to pick on me in school and was now earning his life as a human piñata at children's parties - wasn't feeling very well and couldn't join us. (He had "accidentally" swallowed a deck of cards the day before.) Frank Sinatra came over too, a bit late as usual. He had hated me ever since the day that I had switched his microphone for an electric razor, causing him to unawarely shave his moustache while singing "Fly Me To The Moon". I was only willing to make peace with him.

I had set a cold buffet and some drinks on a table and put on some music. Everything went just fine. Everybody chatted gaily, and many of the guests began to dance. (Hanna impressed us with her repulsive "crutch dance".) Some people had gathered in a corner of the room, probably to give me the impression that they were conspiring against me, but I could hear them actually whispering about different types of brooms.

At some point I thought it was time to give a little speech :

- Good evening to everyone. I'm confident that we're all having a swell time. Watch out, don't let Martin eat all the cheese! (Martin was a hemophiliac friend of mine who, one day, for no reason, had suddenly stopped returning my calls - I found it was a good idea to lighten my speech with a little humour.) Now, seriously, I know some of you people don't like me, but I believe it's best to forgive - and move on. So what do you say? Are we friends or what?

A voice arose from the crowd. It was Lars, who had remained silent until then, staring in amazement at my collection of chicken bones. He yelled at me :

- Sorry, what did you say?

At this point everything went too fast and I was unable to follow it all. I felt as though anything could happen - for, all of a sudden, the Montalbán twins (whom I knew from high school - they disliked me because I wasn't two people) started to fight over who of them was Ingmar and who was Ingvar. They were punching each other's stomachs and emitting piercing shrieks while casting fierce looks at each other. Soon enough, Mona, a girl whom I had dated once for several months and dumped because she kept asking me for my ID everytime we met, started screaming : "This is not my nose! Take it away from me!"

Everything became more and confused. There were people shouting and running all over the place. I tried to put some order but somebody threw a fork at me (there was still a snail stuck to it). I think I must have passed out.

I awoke at 4 A.M. Everybody had left. As I went to bed I noticed someone had hidden a rubber spider under my pillow. I was quite satisfied with the way things had turned out at he party... but I never recovered my friendship with Frank Sinatra - I understand he's been doing pretty well these days. As for me, I still wander alone in the streets during my endless nights, crying for all that I have lost and asking every passerby if they know any good restaurant around.

Frank Sinatra in : "Shed no more salty tears, my love"

2007-03-11T22:52:00.000+01:00

It had been a week or so since Frank Sinatra and Gunilla had broken up, but Frank Sinatra seemed still unable to get over it. He kept wondering why their beautiful romance had to turn so sour. "I should never have done this or that to her", he sighed endlessly, while repressing a giggle.

That day he went to the supermarket in the hope a little shopping would divert his thoughts from Gunilla. But everything seemed to conspire to remind him of her - which is why he decided it was more sensible not to buy Gunilla brand bleach for once and settle for another brand.

(Curiously enough, years later Frank Sinatra would date a girl named Martha Bleach, split up with her in horrible circumstances and never buy any bleach anymore.)

Frank Sinatra in : "Never too careful"

2007-03-10T17:08:00.000+01:00

Frank Sinatra went to see Frank Sinatra and asked him for an autograph.

- Excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, could I please have your autograph?

- I'm sorry, but I can't write.

- That's O.K. with me - I can't read either.

Emil in : "Wishing will definitely NOT make it so"

2007-03-04T18:01:00.000+01:00

The phone rang in the middle of the night. Barely awake, Emil ran for it in the hope it would be either a job offer or a call from his long-lost friend Dagmar, who had disappeared after an explosion in a phone booth. Emil was panting as he grabbed the phone.

- Hello?

- Hello, I'm doing a survey on hair implants.

- At 4 in the morning?

- Er... sorry... this is very embarrasing... You see, it's not 4 A.M. for me.

- Oh! What country are you calling from?

- Oh, no, I'm in the same building as you - it's just that I'm drunk.

- Mom?

But Edgar had already hung up, leaving Emil crying in his underpants. Tough luck, Emil!

Emil in : "I'm just fine. You?"

2007-02-26T20:24:00.000+01:00

It will always remain a mistery to me why Miriam and Emil ended up splitting up. They seemed to get along famously in spite of Emil's belief in spontaneous combustion and of Miriam's sexual peculiarities (she couldn't help laughing uncontrollably whenever she uttered or heard the word "asbestos" in bed).

Several years went by. One day they ran into one another in the street and decided to have coffee while catching up on each other's lives. It all went fine until, toward the end of their meeting, Emil came up with a rather unexpected question :

- By the way, how are you, Miriam?
- Oh, I'm just fine. You?
- Well, to tell you the truth, I've been a little worried for the past few months...
- Sorry to hear that! Worried about what?
- Actually, it has to do with our split-up.
- What about it?
- Well, we stopped seeing each other, like, I don't know, six years ago...
- So what's your point?
- It's just that I still don't understand why we've been living together ever since.