French for the learning disabled

Translate the following sentences into your favourite language, then back into french.

1) Que puis-je faire?
2) Pourquoi a-t-il mangé cet abricot?
3) Que nous veut-il?
4) Pourquoi a-t-il laissé cela là-dedans?
5) S'agit-il de ce que je pense?
6) Comment auraient-ils pu faire un tel emprunt?
7) Est-elle au courant de son opération?
8) N'avait-elle pas promi de vomir?
9) Et si nous lui disions cela à ce sujet?
10) Suis-je bien chez Monsieur Gaston Perrier? - Non, vous vous êtes trompé(s).
11) Pourquoi pleure-t-il? Est-ce à cause de la mort d'un proche?
12) Est-il toujours aussi méchant avec les enfants?
13) Leur relation n'était-elle pas purement affective?
14) Ces élections eurent-elles bien lieu en août, Madame?
15) Pamplemousses, vous ne nous avez pas encore livré tous vos secrets.
16) Sirène.
17) Pâle, automne, boulangerie.
18) Quel est le but de tout cela?

Saying sorry won't buy me a new fishing rod (an experimental joke)

Last night I had the most beautiful dream. I was peeling an avocado with my bare hands, but it kept saying sarcastically to me : "If you're going to eat an avocado, do it properly, will you ?" Suddenly I was elsewhere — I believe I was on a beach, but there was no sand or sea. Then I realized it was more like a bank, and all my fingers had become pencils. When I awoke, I was walking in the street — I must have fallen asleep on my way to the bakery.

A pointless reminder

Don't forget there are more jokes avalaible at http://sophisticatedhumor.blogspot.com. They get funnier all the time!

Gunnar the Storyteller in : "I never can say goodbye"

 One day Gunnar the Storyteller went to the bakery.

 Gunnar : Hola, ¿me pone dos barras de pan, por favor?

 Baker : I beg your pardon?

 Gunnar : Dos barras de pan, por favor.

 Baker : I don't mean to pry, but why are you speaking in spanish?

 Gunnar : Wait a minute, you mean this is spanish? But if that's so... which language was I speaking the other day in Johannesburg?

"Me on a postcard", or : "Running loose"

A : All right, let's see... Let me have, er... some strawberries... two or three pears... an avocado... couple grapefruits... oh, and a kiwi, please.

B : How many times do I have to tell you? I don't sell fruit in here. I only sell wicker furniture.

A : Oh, do you? Then why do I see pineapples all over the place?

B : You see... in my line of work, a man gets to be lonely...

Three easy pieces

A man walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a pint of beer. After chewing on the sandwich for a while, he angrily addresses the bartender :

- I want my money back. There's sand in my plankton sandwich.

(Actually, there wasn't any. I don't know why he said that.)

* *

The other day a man walked into a grocery store and went to the vegetable section. He saw some broccoli and instantly produced a revolver from his vest and shot several times at it. The clerk managed to overcome his fright and asked the man :

- Are you out of your mind? What the hell did you do that for?

- Sorry. I was aiming at the cabbage.

* *

Yet another man walks into a doctor's office.

- Are you a doctor?

- Yes, I am.

- Why do humans sleep?

(I suppose the man believed that doctors should have an answer to every question - that's why this joke is hilarious.)

Frank Sinatra in : "A bucket full of promises"

One day I threw a party for all my oldest enemies. My intention was to prove them that I was doing fine, so they had no reason to despise me anymore. Quite surprisingly, most of them were able to make it to the party. Some people had previous engagements and sent an apology note with some chocolates or a bottle of wine (I am very allergic to both). Much to my disappointment, Eric - a guy who used to pick on me in school and was now earning his life as a human piñata at children's parties - wasn't feeling very well and couldn't join us. (He had "accidentally" swallowed a deck of cards the day before.) Frank Sinatra came over too, a bit late as usual. He had hated me ever since the day that I had switched his microphone for an electric razor, causing him to unawarely shave his moustache while singing "Fly Me To The Moon". I was only willing to make peace with him.

I had set a cold buffet and some drinks on a table and put on some music. Everything went just fine. Everybody chatted gaily, and many of the guests began to dance. (Hanna impressed us with her repulsive "crutch dance".) Some people had gathered in a corner of the room, probably to give me the impression that they were conspiring against me, but I could hear them actually whispering about different types of brooms.

At some point I thought it was time to give a little speech :

- Good evening to everyone. I'm confident that we're all having a swell time. Watch out, don't let Martin eat all the cheese! (Martin was a hemophiliac friend of mine who, one day, for no reason, had suddenly stopped returning my calls - I found it was a good idea to lighten my speech with a little humour.) Now, seriously, I know some of you people don't like me, but I believe it's best to forgive - and move on. So what do you say? Are we friends or what?

A voice arose from the crowd. It was Lars, who had remained silent until then, staring in amazement at my collection of chicken bones. He yelled at me :

- Sorry, what did you say?

At this point everything went too fast and I was unable to follow it all. I felt as though anything could happen - for, all of a sudden, the Montalbán twins (whom I knew from high school - they disliked me because I wasn't two people) started to fight over who of them was Ingmar and who was Ingvar. They were punching each other's stomachs and emitting piercing shrieks while casting fierce looks at each other. Soon enough, Mona, a girl whom I had dated once for several months and dumped because she kept asking me for my ID everytime we met, started screaming : "This is not my nose! Take it away from me!"

Everything became more and confused. There were people shouting and running all over the place. I tried to put some order but somebody threw a fork at me (there was still a snail stuck to it). I think I must have passed out.

I awoke at 4 A.M. Everybody had left. As I went to bed I noticed someone had hidden a rubber spider under my pillow. I was quite satisfied with the way things had turned out at he party... but I never recovered my friendship with Frank Sinatra - I understand he's been doing pretty well these days. As for me, I still wander alone in the streets during my endless nights, crying for all that I have lost and asking every passerby if they know any good restaurant around.

Frank Sinatra in : "Shed no more salty tears, my love"

It had been a week or so since Frank Sinatra and Gunilla had broken up, but Frank Sinatra seemed still unable to get over it. He kept wondering why their beautiful romance had to turn so sour. "I should never have done this or that to her", he sighed endlessly, while repressing a giggle.

That day he went to the supermarket in the hope a little shopping would divert his thoughts from Gunilla. But everything seemed to conspire to remind him of her - which is why he decided it was more sensible not to buy Gunilla brand bleach for once and settle for another brand.

(Curiously enough, years later Frank Sinatra would date a girl named Martha Bleach, split up with her in horrible circumstances and never buy any bleach anymore.)

Frank Sinatra in : "Never too careful"

Frank Sinatra went to see Frank Sinatra and asked him for an autograph.

- Excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, could I please have your autograph?

- I'm sorry, but I can't write.

- That's O.K. with me - I can't read either.

Emil in : "Wishing will definitely NOT make it so"

The phone rang in the middle of the night. Barely awake, Emil ran for it in the hope it would be either a job offer or a call from his long-lost friend Dagmar, who had disappeared after an explosion in a phone booth. Emil was panting as he grabbed the phone.

- Hello?

- Hello, I'm doing a survey on hair implants.

- At 4 in the morning?

- Er... sorry... this is very embarrasing... You see, it's not 4 A.M. for me.

- Oh! What country are you calling from?

- Oh, no, I'm in the same building as you - it's just that I'm drunk.

- Mom?

But Edgar had already hung up, leaving Emil crying in his underpants. Tough luck, Emil!

Emil in : "I'm just fine. You?"

It will always remain a mistery to me why Miriam and Emil ended up splitting up. They seemed to get along famously in spite of Emil's belief in spontaneous combustion and of Miriam's sexual peculiarities (she couldn't help laughing uncontrollably whenever she uttered or heard the word "asbestos" in bed).

Several years went by. One day they ran into one another in the street and decided to have coffee while catching up on each other's lives. It all went fine until, toward the end of their meeting, Emil came up with a rather unexpected question :

- By the way, how are you, Miriam?
- Oh, I'm just fine. You?
- Well, to tell you the truth, I've been a little worried for the past few months...
- Sorry to hear that! Worried about what?
- Actually, it has to do with our split-up.
- What about it?
- Well, we stopped seeing each other, like, I don't know, six years ago...
- So what's your point?
- It's just that I still don't understand why we've been living together ever since.