The person I'm stalking (A love song)

 Pain follows me wherever I go
 Not such a good idea I guess
 To walk barefoot on shattered glass
 Pain follows me wherever I go
 Also I left my purse at home
 So I won't be buying those groceries
 After all

 ("Da capo" three or four times; then take a quick break for a snack, and start all over again.)

Foot fetishism — an alternative lifestyle

 There had always been four of us — Marla, little Anthony, Dagmar and me. The three friends, as we were jokingly referred to. We usually hang out separately; we would set up a time, and each one of us would stay home and stare motionless at the wallpaper, while making funny observations we then shared through sms — a way of sending quick messages to friends through your cell phone, very popular at that time. Anyway, there was this time where Anthony had something important to tell us, and we decided to meet up in a bar. Here's the conversation that followed, as I recall it.

 Anthony — Is this place safe ?

 Dagmar — Relax, man ! You're among friends.

 Anthony — OK. First of all, I don't need to tell you this must remain strictly confidential.

 Me — Come on ! Who do you think you're talking to ?

 Anthony — I'm sorry, guys, but I mean, if my parents ever hear about this, they will adopt me again, and —

 Marla — Oh, please, Anthony ! We're all your friends, right ? There's nothing in the world you can't tell us.

 Anthony — I know... and you can't imagine how much this means to me, guys.

 Me — I mean, after all, what are friends for, right ?

 Anthony — You said it, buddy !

 Boy, did we all laugh like crazy ! Which comes to prove that friendship does manage to overcome all differences.

You're not funny anymore

 Here's a bunch of funny sentences. Any combination of these should automatically become a joke.

 — No wonder he decided to commit suicide !

 — In the name of God, someone stop that ferris wheel right now !

 — What's for dinner ? (...) Not anchovies again !

 — I found that truck driver extremely pretentious.

 — Are you kidding ? I love asbestos.

 — Shut up ! You don't know what it's like to be hemophiliac ! (to a hemophiliac person) (the latter is optional)

 — All right ! Let's go to the hospital ! (in an enthusiastic fashion)

 — Is there life after death ? (...) I was afraid of that. (with a disappointed tone)

 — So you never learnt how to read ? You should be ashamed of yourself !

 — Yes. (whenever uttered in a funny way)

 — (blank) ? Is she the girl with the face thing ?

 — Is there anything I should know about you before we start seeing each other ? Wait ! Tell me some other time.

 — So how severe was her head injury ? (...) I see. I guess she won't be needing these books anymore ! (actually grabbing the books and taking them home is optional)

 — Pamplemousses, vous ne nous avez pas encore livré tous vos secrets.

 — What do you mean, "I should have this checked by a doctor" ? (unless the injury does look fishy, in which case the whole thing instantly ceases to be funny)

Crime or punishment

— Is there anything I could ever do to make you forgive me ?

— Well... for starters, you could stop banging my head with that sledgehammer.

— But then there would be nothing left to forgive !

French for the learning disabled

Translate the following sentences into your favourite language, then back into french.

1) Que puis-je faire?
2) Pourquoi a-t-il mangé cet abricot?
3) Que nous veut-il?
4) Pourquoi a-t-il laissé cela là-dedans?
5) S'agit-il de ce que je pense?
6) Comment auraient-ils pu faire un tel emprunt?
7) Est-elle au courant de son opération?
8) N'avait-elle pas promi de vomir?
9) Et si nous lui disions cela à ce sujet?
10) Suis-je bien chez Monsieur Gaston Perrier? - Non, vous vous êtes trompé(s).
11) Pourquoi pleure-t-il? Est-ce à cause de la mort d'un proche?
12) Est-il toujours aussi méchant avec les enfants?
13) Leur relation n'était-elle pas purement affective?
14) Ces élections eurent-elles bien lieu en août, Madame?
15) Pamplemousses, vous ne nous avez pas encore livré tous vos secrets.
16) Sirène.
17) Pâle, automne, boulangerie.
18) Quel est le but de tout cela?

Saying sorry won't buy me a new fishing rod (an experimental joke)

Last night I had the most beautiful dream. I was peeling an avocado with my bare hands, but it kept saying sarcastically to me : "If you're going to eat an avocado, do it properly, will you ?" Suddenly I was elsewhere — I believe I was on a beach, but there was no sand or sea. Then I realized it was more like a bank, and all my fingers had become pencils. When I awoke, I was walking in the street — I must have fallen asleep on my way to the bakery.

A pointless reminder

Don't forget there are more jokes avalaible at http://sophisticatedhumor.blogspot.com. They get funnier all the time!